Pause; A little time and patience and prepping for change. It’s coming.
Tag: relationships
Your voice counts.
A Writer Always Remembers
I remember exactly why I quit school on my very first day. How Mrs. Bolden whipped with the flag pole and Mrs. O. Piper smiled. I even recall the smell of the mats upon which we napped. Miss Self wore long skirts and a high bun practically everyday. The next year there was Mrs. Miller, with a swelling tummy, who had us sit on colored tape on brown carpet while she carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I remember Monica’s baby blue shoes and Tracy’s bright blue eyes. The same eyes that I’d recognize across a counter nearly thirty years later. I remember watching a sun beam bathe the grass during PE while being passed over multiple times playing Duck-Duck-Goose.
I remember every grade school teacher and how they affected me. I remember Mrs. Bremmer blushing and paling in quick succession as I stared into her face waiting for her response to my question: “Where do babies come from?” I remember Mama checking me out of school the same year bc Michael Jackson, with his silver spats and white limo, was performing at GWC gymnasium.
I remember sliding down that silver slide at Carver that would both blind and burn you. Audra pushed me off the “rainbow” two years later. We competed viciously at being the worst student. Then she was gone. There was Jaime, with the broken arm. She let me sign her cast and I knew we’d be best friends. Before long, she was gone too.
I remember Mrs B. Johnson who everyone loved. She hated me; but Mrs Cryer showed me compassion. She played the guitar and inspired my love of country music.
I remember developing a love for weight lifting and a hate for running/walking Big Bertha and the horror of striking Mrs. Levy accidentally by tossing the bat during a softball game.
I remember my eight grade pre-algebra teacher with the leisure curl who couldn’t teach me. Then, the following year Mrs Savage showed me that Algebra was a breeze inspiring my love for math; and I absolutely LOVED it. I excelled from that year until this one. (I graduated from Delta Tech without having to take a single math class outside of the accounting classes.)
I remember the mixed emotions of leaving those tumultuous years and entering DeRidder High. Built like a castle, it was the home of the Dragons. I remember going to every single home game and cheering for my step brother. I remember the fresh cut grass and the sun setting on the field. The heat would fade and a coolness would settle in it’s place. If I listen closely, I can almost hear the line tapping against the flag pole, echoing. I remember the pro football player teaching me and my friend Monica how to throw a football. I never forgot the lesson I learned by getting kicked off of the soft ball team at the scrimmage.
Most importantly, I remember the day I walked out of my eleventh grade chemistry class. The teacher was a Frenchman with a passion for his job. He made chemistry relevant with off color stories and in your face details about exactly what would happen to you if you went to lunch without washing your hands. I remember the call over the intercom and looking at the people I’ve known nearly all my life and saying goodbye.
I still remember.
Unintended
My first gig of the partially cloudy morning sent me headed onto a plantation in southeastern Texas. The angst I felt was not eased by the fact that this place was no longer a literal plantation because the placard proudly announced that it had been established in the early 1920s. I sighed as I voluntarily drove through the gates and gazed at the tree-topped mounds that lined the streets.
Was it here, on this winding road that a young woman fled from her abusive mistress? Was it there, in that grassy area, that crimson life splashed around the whipping post. Perhaps just over that ridge stood the shacks where mothers nursed other babies after their own had been ruthlessly ripped away. And where is that holy plot where families plead with heaven to escape brutal beating and inhumane atrocities? Would He hear?
A couple of quick turns pulled me from the gruesome train of thought and found me pulling little car in between two azalea bushes. A call ahead had flushed my white haired octogenarian recipient from her nest. Without word of greeting, she’s spat a complaint of how her order was wrong from start to finish. Her eyes swept over me disapprovingly and then jeered up again. Flushing, her eyes reveal the love she has for the burgundy of my dress with its magnificent floral design, but still hated the color of my skin.
I giggled nervously and made a feminine about-face. Long strides with my cinnamon-hued legs, carried me down the winding path leading through the crowded Gardens littered with forget-me-nots and onto the pristine sidewalk.
I laughed quietly to myself.
I laughed at my ignorance in thinking that polite society would somehow bar the ill-bred. Amused, I engaged the engine knowing that I would never be her –never walk in ignorance, angry and bitter due to a situation that I can never grasp.
Daring to Trust
Heart break. It’s not necessarily what the movies and every sad song ever written says it is.
An overwhelming feeling of helplessness washed over me as I watched the dream slip through my fingers like sand. Unable to decipher what was happening or why, I ached in unchecked pain as my lack of self confidence came home to roost. I’d just found the courage to begin to believe that life had something for me other than the misery I’d left behind. I didn’t know there was much more to the story than what I knew.
There was a lesson to be learned in the time that was — not wasted; but dedicated to my growth. I learned to fight for what I believe in. Anything worth doing is worth doing well; but then sometimes you come to the realization that everything isn’t worth doing. It’s ok to toss your hands up and walk away if you can still sleep afterwards.
Sacrifice, loyalty, and dedication sound good in rhyme and look even better in historic print. I learned that love is not so much an emotion as it is action. Giving someone your heart comes with no guarantees. Nevertheless, I will believe and trust again. I’ve placed my petition at the altar again. This will likely be just one in a series; but though I don’t know everything, I know where I belong and this feels like home to me.
Nothing worth having is ever easily attainable. Love takes time and courage, but most importantly, a willingness to sacrifice. All my accomplishments pale in the light of acquiring true love. I am simultaneously filled with emotion and devoid of the phrases of expression. I feel both enraptured and settled, both excited and terrified, and both healing and brokenness. Initially, I paused in trepidation; but I realize that living life is all about the choices you make and the chances you take.
God, guard my heart as I pass through this fire.
A Profession of Love
As I walked behind my daughter’s casket today, I witnessed the most disturbing sight beneath those bleak overcast skies. The asthmatic man who confessed his love for her, had to carry her to her grave.
In my youth, I believed that love could conquer all; however as he trudged alongside the sleek silver box, the futility of a wasted life swelled before me. I wonder how often he lay awake carefully planning the future that he thought stretched before them. I remember analyzing his behaviour and dejected expression the first time I met him. He had the look of a kid who’s lost everything — every arrow head, marble, and Indian head nickel that he’d managed to collect since kindergarten. My heart broke again. Only this time, it was for his.
How often do we invest ourselves in those who make light of our sincerity! We pour out our hearts upon and pour our spirit into people only to have them highly esteem someone or something that is completely outside of what we humbly offer.
We shun the pallbearer for the one who can hardly bear to return a text and doesn’t even bother to show up to the funeral.
#LoveWithoutLimits #GodIsGreater
Star Dancing
Within her trembled a heart eager to be both seen and felt, and desperate to be stabilized.
Verbalizing a goal of keeping her feet firmly planted with her direction as sure as the North Star, she ignored the fact that her heart remained her most insubordinate organ. Constantly defying anything pertaining to its earthly realm, it throbbed with fervent intensity, soaring past the clouds to waltz between the stars leaving a trail of stardust in every galaxy crossed. In a matter of moments, the unsuspecting gentleman found her drawing him into her dance. Hopelessly entranced, he stepped out into the rainstorm. Cool tiny pellets pricked his skin puncturing the shell he’d created for himself. Bid by an inaudible tempo, his limbs swayed as his feet began the primal dance. He imbibed an elixir concocted of her youth, beauty, and all things inexplicable to mortals.
Forever ingrained in their memories, this fire initiated against all odds in a typhoon would burn across generations. #ChurchLadySwag #Amazon #yalit #kindle
Visit Musings by Muñeca on Facebook for more!
Wasted Summer
Slowly stumbling… sighing…
Absently kicking rocks
Feeling night fall around my shoulders
As the winds caress my locks
High in the night sky
Alone shining bright
Was the tiniest star
Issuing kisses of light.
Oh, how the night cared for me!
It cooled, comforted, and whispered to me.
Then hid me, calmed me, and set me free.
Till along came a stranger who peered at me.
“What do you mean, young lady, to traverse alone?
Have you no family? Neither house nor home?
Who will guide you as your journey begins
And protect the little lass from what wars within?”
I cringed: “No, sir…You must be confused
I need not man who’ll, my kindness abuse.
I’ll follow this high road beyond the bay
To pursue my dreams forever and a day.
Charting my own course–companionship despise…”
He moistened his lips and looked in my eyes.
“I know all the short cuts enroute to the city
All I ask is permission to accompany thee.
View my heart as it’s in your hands.
Resist as I may, I’ve done all I can.
I saw you at noon perched upon yon rock.
I heard you moan softly as your heart took stock.
I perceive you’ve been broken and battered before
Therefore hiding the key to your heart’s tiny door.
A most solemn vow you swore to the sunset
To dissever your heart though you haven’t yet.
I stand a man defying your freedom
Since you’ve captured my thoughts, I can no longer free them.”
I pondered a moment what he dared me embrace,
With a moment’s hesitation, I donned my poker face.
He spoke of pleasure in words without measure.
I teased him mercilessly with untapped treasure.
He tugged at my heart-strings like a fine tuned fiddle.
Though he played and delayed, he put his heart in this riddle.
By captivating speech, he arrested my attention.
With a flurry of words, he revealed his intentions.
Yet I had no confidence in this seller of songs
Who had all the answers of why love goes wrong.
He suggested our future promising the world
To his precious princess– his ebony pearl.
With my lips, I smiled and quoted clever lines.
That seemed to appease him and buy myself time.
What will I do with this handsome stranger
Who regurgitates gibberish inciting my anger?
What type of fool does he take me for?
With a run for his money, we’ll even the score.
I’ll teach him a lesson by arresting his game
Of promising sunshine in torrential rain.
I’ll enroll him in the school of collecting hearts
Cracking them open and picking the locks.
My heart was my own and settled at home
I’d no desire to ride or across this land roam.
I was summoned by love to board it’s cruise ship.
Captured; enraptured; and then let slip.
I despise a liar and the stories I’ve heard
Of little hearts being broken for trusting the words
Of a venomous beast and having great anticipation
Of dancing in the rain of love’s precipitation.
They’ve abandoned their parents, life, and vocation
Unaware of men’s whims and lust’s swift revocation.
If it’s a promise he seeks, then that’s what he’ll get:
A bitter promise to hold and never forget.
Then we spent our last night encamped by the sea,
The whisper of the waves kept troubling me…
Our twilight conversations had caused me to doubt
His motives and intentions that I’ve talked about.
Now we view, in the distance, the ebbing tide
As I sense, once more, on that ship I must ride.
With an uncertain heart, I cast my lot.
With a wave of my hand, I dispell my own plot.
Maybe I was mistaken, not judging rightly
The tales he spun of a love birthed nightly.
In the tempest of his conquest, could he have discerned?
By the power of insight could he have learned
The core of the Poetess where the blood flows warm
Who’s commitment’s been to honor rather than harm?
There divested, I , my character of the childish toy
Sensing the security of manhood, not the whims of a boy.
Then, I bared my heart, pouring out my soul.
Might we spare each other from a world so cold?
I expected, in honesty, he’d nervously start
Before venturing to confirm and sharing his heart,
How he’d reside with his bride hearalding the day
That we’d reign unrestrained with the devil to pay.
Yet, he held a charge that I couldn’t afford.
The last puzzle piece fell leaving me floored!
I’d been playing a game with no chance to win.
He sold me a song that I could believe in.
Craftily– Skillfully, he’d won me over
Seizing and snaring his potential lover.
When he tossed back my own words of what I didn’t need,
He assertively assured me he respectfully took heed.
Vainly, I scorned his stab at precision.
His disdainful chuckle mocked my indecision.
He maintained he’s a gentleman, respecting my wishes.
With a silly, silent curtsey, he impolitely dismissed me.
I cursed my name and the day of my birth!
I cursed him and our parents for all their worth!
I was still on the beach just across the bay!
It’s unimaginable how I got distracted this way!
The city holds promise to follow my dreams!
Now, all that’s left is a memory it seems.
I glared at the heavens and the rising sun,
I despised my life and all I’d done.
My emptiness was a weakness, I embraced my demise,
As I retrieved my little mask and gouged out it’s eyes.
I’ll no longer revisit how tears teased my lids.
My heart no longer flutters but does as I bid.
No more fumbling, bumbling, or missing steps.
No more hand ups or hand outs or pleas for help.
I’m tossing this heaviness to lighten my load,
Before making my exit at the very next road.
I can see the city and hear it’s sounds
Over the rustle of leaves as they dance on the ground.
Deciduous leaves had started falling
By signals from smokestacks, my future’s still calling.
Insolently conveying, “Come what may”.
Carpe diem. Yeah, seize the day.
Ushering in Summer
The Initial season…
Decades ago, when spring reigned supreme from the glass French doors through the meadow to the trees,
The sun beamed bright shedding cheerful light on all that was stroked by the kind, gentle breeze.
One fateful day, maybe in the month of May I discerned a drier, dusty wind
And the pounding thunder of hooves galloping arond the bend.
Astride a surly, sable stallion perched a stately emboldened gentleman
With a lonesome, lonely look as if joy had escaped his hands.
Halting near my garden, gazing down on me saying he’s lost and needs my help
Finding himself and chasing his dreams though his hope’s departed as earthly wealth.
Shocked, I considered the nobleman who had asked such odd request
I questioned should I follow, then obeyed at his behest.
Dismounting the sombre stallion he retreived a pan flute from his cloak.
He enchanted me with his melodies as I melted into each note.
…
He wooed me with a tune played soft and low
Suggesting the pain that lovers know
“Be my love, my life, my bride
Mount my stallion with arms open wide.”
I ask him to tell how far must I go.
He sighed and replied, “Who’s to know?
It’s you and I against the world,
My precocious princess of the ebony pearl.
Whether we face mountains or valleys,
Far-stretching highways or dark narrow alleys,
Give me your hand. We’ll conquer the land,
Braving all obstacles for this is my plan.”
With the wind in my hair and the sun off my face
We trotted from sunset at a glorious pace.
We covered country for miles without break
My heart growing lighter with every beat it takes.
My mind drifted back to all the days
I wandered through my garden in a mental maze
Musing over flowers hour after hour
Wondering about love and when I’ll feel it’s power
Now, here in these moments, I’ve realized
By the magic of the night I’d been baptized
The heavens twinkled at my new birth
As I shined and dined in my new-found worth.
Placing my heart in the hands of a total stranger
With no wisdom to speak of, yet I sensed no danger.
He needed my love, attention, and favor
So with all my might, I intended to labor
To heal his heart and soul from gashes
And restore his courage that’d been burned to ashes.
“Behold, my love, the land of plenty!
Will you tarry with me in the heart of the city?”
His love was waning –fading fast.
While I was still thinking that it would last.
Till he crept beside me in the dead of night,
And with singleness of phrase stamped out my light.
“Alas, my dove, this road must end.
Some day, somehow, I’ll return again
And to your heart I’ll make amends
But first my own, I must attend.
In silence, I watched as he sprinted away
And the fires of my mind raged till day
From the crown of my head to the soles of my feet
I was ripped in shreds and began to weep.
Before dusk that evening, I’d recovered my pearls
In the dust, I knelt shattered–me and my world
I screamed at deaf heaven and questioned my life
What was it that proved me an unworthy wife?
I sauntered to the cliff over Haputo’s shore
The breaking waves’ hush said there’s more in store.
I awaited the green flash while eve bid me stay
Watching peaceful creatures dance in the breaking waves
I rose at nightfall; the summer had come,
Still encamped in my own thoughts with my grief yet undone.
Ballad of the Frozen Heart (Intro)
Step into my tundra;
Stroll across my barren lawn.
Pause inside my frigid foyer
Where we’ll converse until the dawn.
Slip across my icy tiles
Be uncharmed by ivory walls
Though the fire will beckon gaily,
Please beware its seductive call.
Perch upon my pristine sofa;
Graze the velvet of the chaisse.
There’s no warmth within these chambers.
Here, no warmth shall touch your face.
Inhale your cooling coffee.
You’ll want to stay alert
To catch all the intimate details
As my words your thoughts subvert
Dig deep. Discover the essence.
Find the source of things that be.
Take a moment, hone your senses.
In time, you’ll come to see
The bitterness of the Poetess
And why the winds winds blow free
Throughout the windowless mansion
That’s become a prison for me.
Reaching high upon the mantle,
I grasp the delicate case
And withdraw fistfulls of crystals
To fuel the fire that lights my face.
Through the hall my whisper tinkles
Afloat up an icy breeze.
I clutched his hand convincingly
And gently brought him to his knees.
Crystalized breath unchecked by heat
Embraced the flames incredibly fueled
By cracked and crushed salt-water pearls
From secret satchels exquisitely jewelled.
As I feed the fire of memories past,
We concentrate on my stoking art
With glimmer of alarm and initial gasp:
Know hence flows The Ballad of the Frozen Heart.
Musings by Muñeca 